Oh, look, it’s that time of year again when Dr. Jill Biden, the ultimate symbol of grace and refinement, blesses us with her holiday cheer. This year, as she and her husband prepare for their glorious, unglamorous retirement in the sand and surf of Rehoboth Beach, they’ve decided to make America even worse before they make their grand exit. Because, of course, what’s a Biden farewell without a hefty dose of damage?
Let’s talk about the 2024 White House Christmas tree. This year, the Bidens selected a Frasier fir from North Carolina’s Blue Ridge Mountains, a region that’s trying to bounce back from the devastation caused by Hurricane Helene. Somehow, this tree survived a Category-4 storm. But naturally, it couldn’t withstand the Biden family’s special talent for screwing things up. As it turns out, surviving a hurricane was nothing compared to the wrath of Dr. Jill and her penchant for turning anything even remotely festive into a cringeworthy disaster.
“This one remained standing,” Dr. Jill proudly declared as if she were the one who personally saved the tree from the storm. Sure, it stood strong against the hurricane, but did it really need to be uprooted and carted off to the White House, only to be butchered by Jill’s terrible taste in decorations? Honestly, this tree deserved a peaceful life in the fresh mountain air, not being stuck in the White House, where it will likely be drowned in tacky ornaments. But hey, why not torture it with a whole new set of horrors, right?
Remember last Christmas? Of course you do. Dr. Jill thought it would be a brilliant idea to invite a bunch of woke tap dancers to perform a queer version of The Nutcracker Suite. A perfect way to ruin both Christmas and any shred of dignity. Because when you think of holiday magic, nothing says wholesome like watching a group of tap dancers, all smug and self-righteous, prance around in a misguided, clumsy display of political correctness. As if the whole thing wasn’t bad enough, Dr. Jill took to Twitter to promote the nightmare with a heartwarming message that only made you feel sorry for everyone involved. It was a holiday performance that was less “joy to the world” and more “please make it stop.”
So, as the holiday season rolls around again, let’s all spare a thought for the poor Frasier fir. It’s likely sitting there in the White House, slowly withering away while surrounded by the kinds of woke charlatans who’ll make it feel like it’s already dead. Much like the president himself, the tree is now stuck in a depressing, soul-crushing purgatory, and all we can do is watch as it slowly rots. What a way to go. Truly, a fate worse than a hurricane.
